0

3.16.2017
Yellow Planetary Human. GAP day (Galactic Activation Portal).

I PERFECT in order to Influence
Producing Wisdom
I seal the Process of Free-Will
with the Planetary Tone of Manifestation
I am guided by the power of Universal Fire.
I am a Galactic Activation Portal…enter me!

Solar Moon of Intention (Moon 9 of the Jaguar). How do I attain my Purpose?

It’s been almost 2 and a half years since I last wrote here :/
(I should make a tradition out of writing you on your birthday…telling you what things are like that year in your life. But I’ll write about Life’s Current Settings anyway, even if we are 3 months shy of your 7th.)

Well…it’s been 9 months after your 6th year. I’m struggling to stay awake to write this. It’s 11.27pm a day past mid-March of Gregorian 2017.

You fell asleep pretty late tonight…roughly 9pm, since we had to finish making a project of yours due tomorrow. (Today you had a field trip to a ranch in Bucerias, your 2nd…your first field trip, on your first year in elementary, was to the dinky zoo in Puerto Vallarta. Yes…we still live here.)

Apparently, you want to be a dancer when you grow up! ❤ ❤ ❤
(Your homework was to make a presentation about what profession you would like to have when you are older.)

When I was around your age I yearned to take ballet classes too, you know? I remember one summer in Virac…there was some kind of center where my cousin Bic & I went to take classes. They had ballet there…but somehow I ended up in the piano class instead, which sucked because I really wanted to dance.

You’re in first grade now; doing very well in school (this bimester you averaged 9.8 in Spanish, and 9.9 in English). I’ve decided to transfer you though. Your campus now is green and great…my main reason for choosing the school, but they have a serious organizational and communication problem…which has left me with a not-so-great taste in my mouth. You’re finishing out the year there, of course…and I’ve already enrolled you in another school where your ex-English teacher now teaches (Ms Lupita, Ceci, your sometimes nanny’s aunt who is extremely passionate about kids…she quit the green school because of some tension with administration)…but just today I thought about putting you in the all-girl’s public school downtown. We’ll see how things turn out…

Things are changing, Love. Nothing visible as yet…but I can feel it coming.

You are growing so freakin’ fast though! That, everyone can see. (You know all the swear words by now, and every time I say them you gasp in disbelief. LOL.) You have long and strong legs, wavy hair, bright eyes and the most beautiful smile…but your heart is the most beautiful of all. You are even sweeter than you were before, so considerate, so generous, so forgiving, so loving.

Every day I thank Great Spirit for granting me the honor of Mothering you. Some days I do better than others. But you are very patient with me, and every night when we pray, I thank God for your understanding and love.

Do you remember your 5th year, mi Amorcita?

We went to the Philippines. I finally circled back shortly before marking 11 years away from home (I left in July 6, 2005), and you went for the first time to my Father’s land, to meet him. He passed shortly after we arrived, but we made it on time…it was bittersweet, and you were my rock. It has been almost a year since.

We went to Virac, that place where my dream of being a dancer was not realized (I have since taken 1 dance workshop, when you were 4…it was very liberating), and you also met your aunt Bic, and her son Harry, along with Auntie Nana and Sofia’s kids, my aunts and uncles, as well as most of your second cousins…the kids of my first cousins…basically most of my side of your family, the Filipino part of you. You tasted taho for the first time, pancit canton, pancit malabon, longganisa, dirty ice cream ( ❤ ❤ ❤ ), fish ball, kikiam, and we learned that you like sopas. 🙂 You’re a great travel-buddy!

It was your last year in kindergarten Tenochtitlan too, and now that you are 6 and already in elementary, you still haven’t forgotten your crush from back then…his name is Sebastian. 🙂

You are so wise, my darling. I opened up to someone when you were 5 (he was there when you turned 6)…who became very much a part of our lives that year, except things didn’t quite work out. One day I crumbled and when you saw me in tears you said “It doesn’t matter what he says Mami…what matters is that I am your daughter.” Not a single teardrop shed after that. You taught me Acceptance. Months later, you casually said you missed him and his crazy black dog…you taught me Forgiveness.

I can’t thank you enough for all you have given me. All my sacrifices to raise you are merely a humble offering, given in gratitude for all that I learn from you, your Light, and your Love. You truly are an Enlightened One. Has my childhood ambition now been realized then? (When I was growing up…instead of a doctor, teacher, architect, etc…I wanted to be a saint.)

Thank You for Being Here, Querida. Your prEssence is like no other.
I love you always, in all ways.

0

Contemplating Angels

So the Mother of the “Doobie-Brothers” that live across the office passed away the other day. That’s what we call the guys from out front that sell Herb and other stuff…thanks to them Sunday mornings smell sweet, making the day coast along like the waves.
God knows if they also consume the rest of the shit they deal; they’ve been busted by the cops a couple of times – white pick-up with  bright blue and red lights to match, but as far as I know they’ve never been disrespectful to any of us girls at work.

The day after the First Night of Mourning,  one of them was sitting on the stairs on the street leading up to our building. He was wearing the same black sunglasses he regularly uses to cover his blood-shot, sparkling eyes…that day, I’m sure that no matter how much he smoked there wouldn’t have been any glitter in them at all. 😦

As I walked up the stairs, bashfully asking for permission to pass, I stammered into asking about the Doña; he nodded and say yes. I asked about the little girl, his 4-year old daughter that his mother takes care off – he said she was fine; so I asked about him, and of course he said he was the same.Then, an awkward milli-second where despite deeply feeling his pain, all that came out of my mouth was “buen día”.

Really?

Good day??
How the hell do you expect him to have a good one on the day his mom dies of cancer???

Nice one, Andy! Whose smoking crack now? 😐
Geez.

Upon entering the office, I immediately asked the girls how one expresses their condolences in Mexican street talk. There were a lot of suggested formal expressions, but none of them seemed to convey what I would’ve wanted to say.
EPIC FAIL!

5 minutes after, still not being able to get over of how such an idiot I was, I clipped a fully bloomed yellow rose from one of the office plants, opened the gate and walked back to where The Neighbor was sitting…

“Perdón, no sabía que decir más temprano. Pero tal vez pueden poner esto en el altar de su Mamá…lo siento mucho.”
(“Excuse me, I didn’t know what to say earlier. But maybe you can put this flower on your Mother’s altar…I’m really sorry.”)

He said thank you, and I went back to work.

Nope.

Definitely wasn’t the typical neighborly exchange, but it was much more genuine and heartfelt than most of the conversations I’ve had all week. For a moment, their tabloid-worthy narco-story was a non-issue; all of a sudden the judgement melted away and they were just another family that lost a mother, wife, and grandmother.
So what if they have a not-so-clandestine illegal drug-store operating from home? 

At the end of the day, weren’t they just Humans suffering pain and loss?

At least for now, how they make a living is irrelevant.
RIP to the Doña from across the street.

~8~


My first experience of death within the family (that I remember about anyway) was when my grandfather died. Lolo – gramps in Filipino. Jose Molina Alberto.

I don’t remember what I was told about what was truly UP, or what was going on…what of Death, After Life. I do remember being SOOO chicken-shit about ghosts though.
(TRUE STORY! Parts of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen? I have learned to delete from my mind, but only after feeling intense fear of whatever the heck it was in the first place! :Ç)


~8~


I first had to explain death to Ananta at 3.
Our cat Pushkin died. (He was murdered, actually – by the biggest tomcat in the neighborhood. Another TRUE STORY)

I told her Pushkin died, which means we wouldn’t be seeing his body any longer. So what will happen is, his body Will Go Back to the Earth, and his Spirit? It will go to the Sky, where Great Spirit Is.

(Great Spirit is The One that gives Life to All – the bushes, bugs, birds, beasts etc…Everything that lives has a Spirit, and it all comes from Hunab Ku, where Great Spirit lives. )


So, we can be sad for a moment, but its more beautiful to remember our departed loved ones**, because that’s when they Live On Forever in our Hearts, and become Angels!

**This is what I love about Mexico! They celebrate the Day of the Dead – celebrate as in fiesta! Food, flowers, mariachi…it could be the whole shebang! Or simply, making a colorful altar with pictures and offerings to Nuestros Muertitos (Our Beloved Dead) – which they did in playschool, thankfully! Because I didn’t grow up with that tradition.

~8~


So today It Came To Me that remembering our Ancestors is a practice that I should be inculcating into my Little One…

Ancestors.
AKA Dead Loved Ones.
But also, The Living Elders.

Los Abuel@s
Si Lol@
(AKA Grandma and Gramps)
Including Ti@s. Padrinos. Madrinas. (siiii! lets visit the Madrinas!!!)

Which means, I think that’s what we should be doing for her birthday!!!! The idea is to do something for the first time, so it will be better remembered…

Her 4th.
(Already?! I know! Damn…)

On her 3rd it was dolphins, this year let it be the rest of the animal kingdom! A museum trip! And remembering my Abuelos, her bis-abuelos from my side.
(I´m so grateful that she´s met her bis-abuela Hilda from E´s side!)

Mmm…
It doesn’t hurt to dream out loud and ask for help from our Ancestors and Angels, right? 😉

5

My baby isn’t a baby anymore


My baby girl isn’t a baby anymore! :S 
J  

 
Ananta Malaya turned 3 on gregorian june 3rd…and 3, to me, means the official entry to childhood.

In my world I feel its important to mark important milestones in life with a “rite of passage,” so I celebrated her in a slightly larger way this year. And while it didn’t happen exactly as I originally pictured it to be…it was the perfect birthday #3. J

Traditionally, in Mexico, when a child turns 3 parents have a (Catholic) mass held in the name of the boy/girl; in some parts of the country it probably would’ve been a Temazcal. I am sure in other cultures there is some kind of celebration to mark the transition from infancy to childhood as well…maybe a naming ceremony, the first haircut, etc…
 
For the sake of comparison…moons before, I dreamed up throwing this big party in the garden-front of our apartment building, inviting all the important adults in her life along with her little friends from daycare; maybe even the neighbors we don’t know so well. There was to be games, non-candy giveaways (aka bolos), clowns and acrobatic entertainment…basically, the whole shebang.

Closer to the date, I instead planned for a Dolphin Encounter for Ananta & myself, where at the same time our housemates would be doing the Dolphin Swim Adventure. I imagined the entire PV family would be with us (which is not a lot…that’s just my mom, brother, sister, and nephew), all of us having some fun in the sun at the waterpark afterwards. This was to be on the sun-day before her b-day. I still kept dreaming about having a traditional piñata + choco-flan cake + bolos at daycare on her birthday itself…

Come the day itself though, this is what really happened: it was just Ananta & I that went to the waterpark, and when we were done enjoying the kiddie pool after our dolphin swim, my sister & mom picked us up. Later we all had lunch with my nephew, and Ananta blew the candle of her sprinkle-topped cupcake at my sister’s house. (I ❤ family!)

happy 3rd

 

blow your candle out, baby-cakes!

 

On the day of her birthday itself, I dressed her up in a long/princessy type dress. In school Ananta blew the #3 candle of a 3-leches cake a friend had bought her. There was also a Tinkerbell piñata and another clown one, filled with candies I would never have thought of buying myself (courtesy of a friend), while the bolos I prepared for the kids were filled with candies I chose myself. The ones for the teachers were specially made star-shaped cookies made by our Russian friend…with a note thanking them for being part of “A&a Village” (re: IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD)
 
the long, princessy dress
little fairies

 

–—***
After the piñata at daycare, I sat-in in Ananta’s class activities…seeing her in action/observing the teacher + their activities. I played with the kids…sitting on the mat, being silly, letting my daughter paint my face, joking around with the other kids, versus “just watching them” until cake was finally served.

 

It was a blast! To see how each child is different in the way they interact and participate was an eye-opener…and of course I was proud to see that my Little One is actually one of those kids that follows instructions, and even helps her buddies after she’s done doing her part! (I guess not all have developed the necessary skills to do the activity yet, or some kids just don’t do the activity at all!J)

***
 
Ananta’s bday #3 was a very made-up rite of passage…but it was very meaningful and important to me as I wanted to celebrate her in a way that I hope she will remember when she is older. But more than that…a celebration of 3 years of her life is, for me, is also a commemoration of 3 years of Motherhood.
 
So…a belated happy birthday to you, Love-Bug…and happy 3rd year of Mothering to me!

Thanks for being part of our village.J
 
2

Life Lessons from the Incredible Chinese Circus

Two days ago Ananta and I went to the circus. It was called El Increible Circo Chino, Los Niños de Oro de Beijing. It was her first time to go to the circus as a child, and my first time to go as a Mom…it was fun overall, but it was also an unexpected learning experience…

A&a @ the circus

Considering it was called “The Incredible Chinese Circus,” it was a little bit strange to see a beautiful blonde girl dancing in the air (telas) as the first act of the night… it was amazing all the same. I’ve seen better performances for free in the park right in front of our home, but I am always awestruck at how graceful those ladies are, despite the amount of strength and force they have to exert to be held up high in the air in such elegant poses…still smiling, toes pointed (or flexed, depending on what they’re doing), every part of their body activated so they can get to the next mid-air asana, in such a fluid manner. 

I don’t think the first time I saw a performance like that was as a child, but I’ve always been enchanted by the graceful acrobats I’ve seen as an adult, thinking…I wanna be able to do that someday. Once or twice I got free lessons from ex-neighbors who studied Artes Cirquenses (Circus Arts) in a school run by one of the original members of the Cirque du Soleil, but for one reason or another, I didn’t persevere.
I thought I did the whole shebang on circus night…I got us golden-side tickets, we ate cotton candy (another Ananta first) and a big bag of popcorn, got our picture taken, and nearly rode a pony (lil’A chickened out at the last minute though 🙂 ). I didn’t actually…because I was just regretting that I didn’t buy the picture they took of Ananta & I.
I clearly remember when I double-thought it though. “Should I?
My brain immediately shouted “No! It’s too expensive,” while my Heart faintly whispered “Do it! Even if it’s not the perfect picture, it will be a beautiful memento.” Now I’m like “I love you…but you’re an idiot. You just missed out on having a printed photograph (versus a digital file, like all the other pictures we now have) of your virgin-visit to the circus as mother&daughter, while Ananta was eating blue cotton candy for the first time, all because it cost $50pesos ($5usd).
I know, boo me for being a cheap-o…and I thought I went all out. :S
Another thing I was regretting was hesitating on a free invitation to see the circus again.
By the end of it, as Ananta and I were the last ones to leave the sala, the announcer came up to us and asked if we enjoyed the show. I said yes, mentioning Ananta has been to a telasclass once. I think I was really just deflecting my own amazement for that act. “O yeah?” He said, “Be my guest next time you want to come back”.
There again, was that moment of hesitation.
Paranoid/ego-centric-me was like “Holy shit, He’s flirting with you!” All I could do was smile shyly, say thank you, and try to leave right away. 
Ananta aero-dancin’ it

OMG! Have I really forgotten to Go All Out & Flirt Around Life??? When I was in college I used to think being that carefree and flirting were the fun-est things ever! (after going to gigs and rockin’ out to live music) It was harmless if you wanted it to be, or it could get wild and crazy. It made me feel so alive, and there was this living-on-the-edge feeling that required you to always be confident in every step of the way.

I have an idea about why things have changed since then…but if there’s anything that I got out of kicking myself in the ass for a couple of minutes last night, it’s that you should never forget to Go All Out and Flirt Around Life…it will only go as far as you want it to. (If it’s only a free ticket to the circus, then it’s a free ticket to the circus…if it’s one telas class versus training for real and actually learning, then it’s just the one class and nothing more).

Dance around Life, baby…and you can’t go wrong.

ab ab ab
Yesterday Ananta was asking me about what I liked most about the circus (I said the acrobats), and when I asked her in return, she said the tigers.
There were 3 Sumatran tigers. They were magnificent, but it was a pretty sad act. The medium-sized one was the one that struck me the most; it was the only one that still had it’s fangs. It didn’t look it was very happy to be in the circus, so while it obeyed the ringmaster’s commands (although not always right away), it did so with a defiant look – mouth wide open, fangs very visible, and fierce feline eyes.
The largest, strangely, was also the most obedient one. That one definitely didn’t have his fangs anymore – he opened his mouth a couple of times. Perhaps they took them out to tame him, which was heartbreaking…it was like he had re-signed himself to a life he didn’t want to live because he had no fangs anymore. (Well duh, if they ever put him back in the wild, which I doubt, how will he find food without them?!)
I’m not so sure if the smallest one had fangs or not, it never opened its mouth…perhaps because it’s been in the circus since it was a cub so it doesn’t really know what it’s like to be wild.

ab ab ab

Sometimes the greatest lessons you learn in life come to you when your heart breaks. I didn’t cry a river on circus night, in fact, I had a lot of fun. But while it was amazing to see the tigers so close, it also broke my heart. Witnessing their act reminded me to always trust your instincts (never EVER let them take your fangs away).
One more thing…don’t raise your cubs in a cage. I know it’s a jungle out there, but that’s where they should be to learn the ways of this wild, wild world…it’s the only way their tiger spirits shine through their eyes, even if they never get to know the jungle.

0

Answering the call of the Mother

Tonight, longer a time ago than the last time I posted a blog, I returned, this time with my daughter, to the womb of our Mother, Gaia.

 

It’s called a Temazcal. A Mesoamerican sweat lodge, if you will. We did it Mujer-Mexica stylee…women only.
Oh man, what beauty lies within!
This is not your regular spa sauna. Although each wonderful woman that entered tonight came out exuding so much of the beauty they already had within. Glowing cheeks! Radiant skin! Beautiful, heartfelt smiles!
To give you an idea of the magic that happens under a new moon, in a Sacred Circle of Women whose fire is tended to by two men called Agilas del Fuego/Fire Eagles (without duality there is no reality!)…we enter a dark cloth-covered dome set on the soil made with a natural material such as bamboo, clay bricks etc. Inside thatched mats lay, and in the middle: a whole in the ground.

There are four doors: one facing North, the other South, East, and then West. 

The two men tend the fire that heat the volcanic rock that will later be placed in the center of the dome. But first…before entering with bowed heads and hearts, we acknowledge the 7 Cardinal Directions.
Seven because aside from North, South, East and West, there is also Up – to the Stars, our sun, the source of Life; Down – to the Earth’s core, her heart (remember? Earth is a living being!), and then the Center – of Life, the Origin of all Creation.
We pray…using tobacco, the plant the Indigenous and Knowing People use to offer their prayers to the Source, by mixing it’s smoke with one’s breath, or throwing it in the Fire.

 

Before we finally enter, we bow before the door, head on the ground, and hands & feet on the floor, to humbly ask for permission to re-enter the Womb of Gaia with and for All Our Relations. Mitakuye Oyasin, so say the Lakota Sioux. We ask for all those we ever loved, all we’ve ever come across, all we are praying for – because we are all One.
This is the Temazcal.
The stones heated by the fire, the first and foremost element, represent the knowledge of the stars. Out of the Fire came the impulse To Be – this is how the stars were born, later planets, the Earth, the ground upon which we stand on.
Next Water flowed and then Life flourished…plants, animals, humans…and so we bring in the medicine – dried herbs (I think I smelled coconut? salvia?), and our tools – a pairs of deer horns for the curanderas to move the hot rocks, an animal-skin drum and a pair of rattles made of gourds – to use while we sing and chant along.
The Temazcal represents the womb of our Mother Gaia. Here we pray, sing, chant, laugh, cry, open our hearts and offer our all, to remember what it is like to still be part Her. The darkness inside reminds us of that peaceful state when we slumbered in the womb of our own biological mothers. Water is poured over the fiery-red stones, which evaporates so fast so that smoke rises and embraces you whole…the heat within this hearth heals.
This is what happens within this Sacred Sauna.
Ananta did great! She sat still, sang, sweat and slept in her first ever Temazcal. She only completed one puerta (door), we exited by the second. Even so, I’m so proud of my little Warrior (Guerrera)! It is my hope that she will grow up to honor and continue taking part of such sacred ceremonies regardless of how technologically advanced the world becomes when she is older. (Actually, the more “modern” society becomes, the more is there a need for these practices to be honored.)
 
Because not only do we women (men too) have the medicine inside us to heal ourselves and the entire planet – we are also the warriors that fight for what is right in our own lives. We are those that fight for Mother Earth’s life. Who you are is the embodiment of the beautiful Goddess within…this is calling of the Divine Feminine…that tonight I heard in the Temazcal, and am now shouting out to you, Wo-Man.
Hear Her song and Let Your Light shine.
(I haven’t felt so beautifully connected in a while…thank you One & All!)
I’m ecstatic to have found this Voice. BLISS!
1

First Holidays with Her: Birthday, Christmas & New Year (and Thanksgiving too!)

Ananta & I will be celebrating many of those this year..Firsts.

bald bold & beautiful @ 28

Twice now Ive shaven my head..and I realize..

Time ticks quickly..
2mm taller already! (me. SHE is now 8.5kg & 72cm tall!)

Because you either grow..or not, although as a Mother, you really have no choice.

–==+8+==–

The Best Christmas Gift Ever

Cant really tell if I was naughty or nice this year..
F + B = a
😉

And as the new gregorian one starts, more new beginnings commence..

 
Here’s to more Adventures of A&a!
Bring it on, 2011!
3

A&a’s first family vaca!!!

Around this time last year, I took a 3-week respite from work to go to Guanajuato, Mexico, where E (Ananta’s dad) is from. Days before leaving I was positively positive about being a mom, I hadnt even told my mom about the pregnancy yet! This year, vaca is only good for 9 days and my baby is a day shy of her 6th moon. Damn. Time flies!

Guanajuato 2009, about 10 weeks preggy

Im glad we came! Checking the temperature days before the trip I considered postponing to after Holy Week because it was just too damn cold (3C anyone???)! Thank Heavens (literally) it was only a cold front that made the temperature drop, and now that we’re here its not even as cold as I thought it would be (I remember last year to be colder). Ananta is still disguised as an eskimo though. 😉

Guanajuato 2010, waiting for Abuelo at Leon’s bus depot

Im even happier that li’l A is bonding with her tias, abuelo y abuela and especially her little cousins! I thought she would be more reserved since shes not really used to so many people around her, but she has been such a smiley and happy baby with everyone, and E has a big family!

In Vallarta, there arent many of us, its just my Mom, my brother Jo and my sister Angela and her family (thats 17-year old Carlo Barlo, my nephew, Alex, my cuñado aka bro-in-law, and Ani the hotdog dog). Of course we spend fun times in PV too! On Vaca Day 1 we slept over at mom’s to watch the Pacman kick Margarito’s ass, the enth Mexican hes beat. She didnt make it to actually watch the fight though, but we had a chill out start to what is now a chilly vacation. =)



Pacquiao vs Margarito
grocery trip with Abue & U. Jo the day after the fight

Being here is heartwarming though, because I grew up with my cousins and I have very fond memories of my childhood having such a big and loving family. I know she wont remember this trip, but the few pictures I’ve taken are already priceless treasures for me, and hopefully later for her as well. ❤
We’re already on Day 6 of this mini-vaca, the third of a 4-day visit, and I really wish we could stay a bit longer! But alas, work beckons, and more importantly Ming (my roomie) is leaving soon, so we absolutely have to be back in time for her going-away dinner (eggplant polenta, here I come!). Extended family is important too, you know! =)

So many things have happened in this past year..its amazing how personal stories unfold! I just feel so blessed to have a warm, fuzzy feeling inside knowing that whatever happens, (biological, extended, legal or not), your family will always love you no matter what.